#Unsettled

Parent-child relationships are a landscape as varied and intricate as the individuals within them. Some bloom with effortless connection, while others navigate a terrain of strain that sadly, sometimes never finds resolution. My heart aches for friends who grapple with fractured bonds with their own parents, a stark contrast to the deep well of love and connection I cherish with my father and the treasured memories of my amazing mother.

With my own three children, I’ve been blessed to possess a unique and precious relationship with each of the them.  My bond with my daughter, perhaps due to our shared womanhood, carries a particularly fierce ‘mama bear’ instinct, an inherent protectiveness. Her brothers, too, envelop her in their protective embrace, their ‘little princess.’ And while she will always be my princess, my ultimate role is to nurture her into a queen – a woman of strength, resilience, and self-assuredness.

I’ve always embraced my femininity, reveling in the joys of all things ‘girly.’ After raising two wonderful boys, the arrival of my daughter felt like the genesis of my truest friendship. And indeed, she is my best friend, whether she outwardly admits it amidst teenage eye-rolls or not. This often sparks the age-old question: ‘Are you a parent or a friend?’ My immediate response… Why not both?

As her mother, I am acutely aware that her gaze often rests on me, seeking guidance and mirroring my actions. It’s my responsibility to set a ‘good example,’ though my independent spirit, tinged with a touch of gypsy wanderlust, steers me away from sugarcoating life’s realities. I strive for transparency, answering her myriad questions with unwavering honesty. I am protective, yes, but I consciously avoid sheltering her from the inevitable bumps and bruises of life – a crucial distinction.

My own upbringing, navigating the public eye through my father’s career, my brief foray into professional dance, and later my marriage to a professional athlete, also constantly under the public eye, forged a resilience within me early on. Some might perceive my directness, my initial guardedness as coldness (hence the teenage nickname ‘Ice Queen’), but it’s simply a straightforward approach, an unfiltered honesty honed by  my own experiences.

Now, as I watch my daughter navigate the demanding world of dance, a realm of constant evaluation of body image, talent, and the elusive pursuit of perfection, I marvel as she comes into her own and handles the pressure with grace. It’s a cherished connection we share on a profound level, however,  our shared understanding wasn’t always this harmonious. My innate Type-A personality, with its relentless pursuit of perfection (a toxic trait I actively work to dismantle), initially cast a shadow. I was the sideline critic, meticulously cataloging every perceived misstep in her classes and performances, a post-performance debrief fueled by what I misguidedly labeled ‘tough love.’ (The cringe is real now, trust me.)

Then came the day, en route to the dance studio, when her sobs ripped through the car. She didn’t want to go to dance. She wasn’t even sure if she liked it anymore, and then the most gut-wrenching plea: ‘Couldn’t you just leave me alone?’ My heart stopped. Not because I feared she’d quit, but because the horrifying realization struck me: if she did, it would be because of me.

The epiphany hit with the force of a runaway train. She didn’t need another instructor dissecting her technique. She didn’t need me ‘toughening’ her up. She simply needed her biggest cheerleader in the stands. In that instant, my mental ‘correction list’ went straight into the virtual trash. It wasn’t an overnight transformation, but a conscious, daily effort to shift my focus that I still work on to the present day.

The result? A blossoming. Her joy in dance reignited, her improvement soared, and remarkably, she began asking for my insights. Our relationship, while imperfect (as all real connections are), now thrives on mutual respect. I gained a profound new respect for her ability to advocate for herself, even to me. She recognized her own boundaries, her limits, and articulated her need for unwavering support. Now, when she seeks my knowledge, she asks.

Life throws enough curveballs; we don’t need to add to the struggle. This pivotal shift in perspective transcends dance, echoing in all our children’s endeavors, from sports to academics to their burgeoning passions. My boys, navigating the baseball world with a professional player as their father, face a similar dynamic – the inherent parental urge to impart knowledge, to push for improvement. But they, too, must forge their own paths, learn through their own stumbles.

Witnessing the ‘tough love’ approach on the sidelines of baseball tournaments and dance competitions is a stark reminder of my own past missteps. If that approach resonates for other families, I respect that. But from my personal journey, I can attest to the profound power of simply being your child’s unwavering cheerleader.

My husband and I harbor no expectations of our children becoming professional athletes or artists. But if those dreams ignite within them, we will be their staunchest supporters. Is it frustrating to watch them navigate their own often-circuitous routes when we feel we’ve already paved a smoother path? Yes.  Does it chafe when their aspirations diverge from the ones we might have envisioned? Absolutely.

But in the case of my daughter, the peace I hold onto is this: regardless of where her passions lead her, our relationship remains authentic and intact. Imperfect, yes, punctuated by disagreements and teenage bickering, but anchored in a deep and abiding love where we unequivocally have each other’s backs.

Have you ever struggled with the ‘tough love’ approach?” “What’s the most important thing your child needs from you?  Share this with a parent who might need to hear this!

#ParentingJourney #GentleParenting #YouthSports #DanceMom #RaisingStrongKids #ParentingEpiphany #UnconditionalLove #AuthenticRelationships #Unsettled