#Unsettled

I am a fortunate recipient of a deeply ingrained upbringing. My mother, the daughter of Greek immigrants, and my father, from a blue-collar family of farmers and factory workers, taught me that life is built on non-negotiables:  God, Family, Hard Work, Loyalty, and Discipline. (Yes, the “good person chair” still lives in my home as a daily reminder.)

They worked hard so I could have it easier. And I have. I’ve built a life of privilege—I practice self-care, take spa trips, enjoy beautiful facilities for exercise, and travel annually with my girlfriends. I do make myself a priority. But sometimes, it’s not enough.

I followed the familiar path:  as my husband worked and traveled; I took the lead in running the home, raising the children, and managing the day-to-day logistics. I’ve talked before about the delicate balance of being a working wife and mother, but sometimes, my thoughts drift into a “what if” spiral. In the quiet moments, what I’m truly craving is simple: to be someone else’s priority.

I often feel alone in this sentiment, but I know I’m not. Perhaps this is the truth of “adulting,” or simply what happens when we assume the mantle of main caretaker. We diligently take care of everyone else—including our own self-care—but emotionally, no one seems to be taking care of us.

I will always champion the independent, strong woman, but I also acknowledge that women want, and need, to feel loved and prioritized by a partner who is worthy of being their equal.  As the years pass, couples—myself included—can settle into a routine so thick it feels impossible to break. We stop making the relationship (and each other) a priority. We drift apart, not out of malice, but because our attention is required everywhere else. This is the root of the “silver divorce” trap, where two partners suddenly realize they’ve lost sight of the life they built together.

Recently, a friend said to me, very simply, “You should be nicer to your husband.”  I grew defensive immediately.  I justified my actions and asked, “Why? I don’t feel like a priority to him!”

But as I heard those words leave my mouth, I paused and had to check myself. Was I merely reacting to him reacting to my behavior? Was I withholding warmth because I felt a lack, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of distance? The answer was a humbling Yes.

I decided to run an enlightening experiment. I started being more attentive, initiating communication, and focusing on his needs, not just mine. The change was immediate. The tension evaporated, and our communication reopened. Unsolicited, he even came to me one evening and mentioned that we needed to make more time for just the two of us.

The moral of today’s story is this: It is absolutely not selfish to want to be a priority. That is a core human need. But in a long-term relationship, being a priority doesn’t come for free.

We can’t wait for our partner to break the routine we both created. We have to be the one who offers the first gesture of kindness, attention, and effort. The effort—the hard work, the discipline, the gratefulness—is the small price we pay when we want to have it all.

Are you withholding connection because you feel a lack of it? What is one small, attentive gesture you can initiate tonight to reset the energy in your relationship? 

We accidentally create routines that push us apart. Tag your partner and share the one thing you both need to start doing again (or stop doing) to make your relationship a priority.