#Unsettled

It’s that time of year again. The air is crisp, the lights are up, and the pressure is mounting. We’re bombarded with images of perfect family meals, twinkling events, and effortless holiday cheer. But here is my confession, my honest-to-God truth: I no longer want to be the main elf.

I absolutely love entertaining. I am, in fact, the hostess with the mostest. I thrive on the conversation, the excitement, the chatter, and the sheer magic of having our friends and family under one roof. But one crucial task has begun to steal my joy: The Cooking.

I don’t mind preparing a simple dish or throwing together a small weeknight meal. I cook because I’m a mom and I’m obligated to feed my children. But when it comes to orchestrating the big holiday meal—the multi-course spread, the timing, the perfection—I lose the joy, and I get completely overwhelmed.

I remember a time when my family and friends gathered, and we were all together in the kitchen, each of us tackling one task. It felt magical. But as we’ve all grown older and moved on with our lives, I’ve found myself trying to re-create those memories alone, becoming the sole commander of the kitchen. And I’ve come to really loathe it.  The pressure  I put on myself is immense.  The meal has to be perfect. The house has to be spotless. I have to live up to the unspoken expectation of replicating every dish exactly the way my mother made it. I find myself giving energy to worrying about what every single person thinks instead of enjoying the moments.

This year, I’m trying to flip the script. When is it okay to stop being the magic behind the elf? When can we just decide to go out of town for a few days and have the holiday meal in a restaurant? I recall a trip with my family when I was in high school. My parents, sister and I took a road trip up to Charleston and Savannah and we celebrated Thanksgiving in a restaurant. It was one of the best holidays I ever had—exploring a new place with my family—no cooking schedule, no clean up—it was perfection. What is stopping me from doing it again with my own family?  

The reason we struggle to change is the ingrained belief that tradition means repetition. But why? Just because it’s always been one way doesn’t mean it always has to be. That’s like saying I have to go to the same spot for breakfast every Saturday morning for the rest of my life. Maybe I want a different flavor. Maybe I want to experience what the holidays are like in a different city or country.

The only thing that truly matters, the only thing I hope to always have, is the connection with my family and friends. Think about it like this: When you go to an amazing wedding, do you remember what you had for dinner? No. What your body remembers is the laughter, the dancing, and the genuine fun. That is the magic of human connection.

This holiday season, let’s forgive ourselves for not making the perfect turkey or replicating our mother’s infamous recipe. Let’s focus on the connection. I could completely be happy with just wine and charcuterie. Don’t stress about the menu and making sure everything is cooked to perfection. Think about who you’re with. Foster those relationships. Enjoy one another’s company, because you never know what the future holds.  Anyone can eat a turkey. But not everyone can laugh over one.

What is one holiday tradition you are going to intentionally break this year – outsource the pies, skipped wrapping paper, book a dinner reservation?  Do you know a “Main Elf” who needs a break? Share this post with them and give them permission to choose connection over perfection this year.