#Unsettled

My sister and I were recently reminiscing about the fun, carefree spirits we were before everything—before work, before marriage, before my children came and I hopped on the “Mom Train.” Sometimes, I wonder what happened to that girl.

I know what happened. Life, marriage, and kids. For decades, you are the pillar, the constant example, the one whose inner self feels like it’s been put on pause for the sake of the family.

Now, let me be clear: I wouldn’t regret a single second of that time. My children have shaped me into a better woman and taught me things I never would have learned otherwise. But now, as they are older—in high school and college—they no longer need me in the same minute-by-minute, constant way.

And suddenly, I can take a breath.

Recently, I struggled with a new freedom: my kids take themselves to school now. I don’t even have to get out of bed to say goodbye. For about two days, I felt guilty sending a text saying “Have a great day, kids,” before hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.  Then, I realized: I’m tired, and if I want to go back to sleep, I can go back to sleep.

This sudden sense of freedom reminded me of my old self. I don’t have to go to bed early. If I want to stay up late, I can. If I want to go out and have cocktails with my girlfriends, I can. I am returning to the original me. I can take myself off of pause.

This “unpause” isn’t just about my freedom; it’s about the partnership. I look across the room and sometimes catch a look from my husband—a look that asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

I reply simply: “Just being myself.”

I feel like I almost have to re-introduce myself to him because he’s been on pause, too. For so long, he was the provider, the coach, the Dad, while I was the Mom. We lost sight of the fun, spontaneous things we used to do together. We have both been in the waiting room.

This is the critical stage: when one person decides to press “play” again, the relationship can shatter if the other person chooses to remain “on pause.” I have watched it happen among friends.

So, how do we integrate all the incredible strength and wisdom we gained as parents with that original spark? The truth is, we don’t return to the exact old self, because we have changed, evolved, and grown. We incorporate the discipline and loyalty of the last two decades into the free spirit of the past.

So, I’ll tell you what I’m doing.  I am becoming more introspective.  I have been journaling and mediating more ofter, I’m checking in with my inner voice.  I’m actively fueling my drive and seeking inspiration.  I have a thirst for knowledge and a drive to create new things, meet new people, and have new experiences.  I’m attempting to live outside of my comfort zone – to truly embrace the spirit of the “UnSettled” life.  I am making myself a priority and creating my own magic, but I’m also allowing my uninhibited, free spirit…my gypsy soul to resurface. 

We all have this inside of us, we can all evolve and grow while at the same time recapturing the magic of our original selves.  Embrace the new and improved you.  Maybe a little older, but wiser – better.   The pause button is officially off. It’s time to hit play.