#Unsettled

What Are You Doing When No One Is Looking?

Over the holidays, I had all of my “little birds” home. I truly love when this happens. There is a specific kind of magic in having the whole house full again, engaging in those deep family discussions about life, values, and the people we want to become.

One topic came up a few times over the break, sparked by the phase of life my kids are in. My two boys are gearing up for baseball season, and my daughter is starting her dance competition season. It’s a season of “the grind,” and it led us to a fundamental question: What are you doing when no one is looking?

Are you putting in the extra work, or are you just “winging it”?

Self-discipline is hard. Integrity is something that is intentional. I believe that at our core, human nature is good. I believe most people want to do the right thing, to choose the “greater good” over their own convenience. But as a mother of three, I’ve realized that the hardest values to instill in our children—and the hardest to maintain as adults—are the two that walk hand-in-hand: Integrity and Accountability.

Integrity is often described as what you do when no one is watching. It’s the “behind the curtain” moments that define who you actually are, away from the highlights and the hashtags.

It shows up in the smallest ways. Are you the type of person who leaves their shopping cart next to your car, or do you take the extra two minutes to walk it over to the cart return? And in complete transparency—if you are the person who leaves your cart in the middle of a parking space, I don’t think we can be friends.

My husband is a baseball coach, mentoring kids from 14 up to 18. It is definitely not an easy job in today’s world. In an age where it feels like entitlement is screaming louder than effort, he tries to lead by example. Every season, he gives his boys an analogy to chew on:

Imagine you go to a sporting goods store and buy a travel golf club case. You get home, unzip it, and hidden inside is a $400 putter. What do you do?

I recently debated this with a group of moms at a dance competition. To my surprise, most of them admitted they’d keep it. I told them straight up: “That’s the wrong answer. Karma is real.”

The universe has a funny way of testing you when you get a little too high on your soapbox.  Not even a week after that debate, I was at Target. I finished my shopping, loaded the car, and realized there was a single item sitting in my cart that I hadn’t paid for.

It was a pair of $6 scissors.

For a split second, I contemplated just keeping them. It was only six dollars, and I was already at the car. But then I heard my own words echoing back at me. I wasn’t going to risk the energy of my entire “Second Act” over a pair of scissors. I walked back inside and I paid for them.

Because if you don’t have integrity in the $6 moments, you won’t have it in the $400 moments either.

We preach accountability to our children constantly, and how it applies to our own goals.

Didn’t make the starting lineup? Maybe you weren’t working as hard as you thought you were. What were you doing when the coach wasn’t watching? Were you upstairs on a video game while the teammate who beat you out was taking extra reps at the gym?

Didn’t get the solo in the recital? Maybe that other girl was at the studio longer, working after hours when the lights were dimmed and the applause was silent.

In life, things aren’t given; they are earned. And most of that earning happens in the dark.

Lately, I’ve been trying to stay focused on my own goals without feeling the need to broadcast every minor milestone before it’s actually finished. There is a quiet power in working hard when no one is watching, in staying focused on a mission without needing a trophy for every step.

The beauty of the “Second Act” is that we can choose to change the narrative. So, I’ll ask you the same question my husband asks his boys: What are you doing when no one else is looking? Are you building your character, or are you just waiting for the world to give you what you haven’t yet earned?

Be honest—have you ever had a “Putter Moment” (or a “Target Scissors Moment”)? What did you choose, and how did it affect your “vibe” for the rest of the day?

What is one goal you are working on right now “behind the curtain” that you haven’t shared with the world yet?