#Unsettled

The other day, I was sitting on my back patio—writing, reflecting, manifesting, and embracing my “Queen” energy—when I got a call from a girlfriend needing a vent session. She’s on the fence about whether to stay or leave her long-term relationship. She feels like she’s on an emotional seesaw; there was no specific climactic event, but rather a sense that they were simply drifting. She was tired of the “excuses” and “rationalizations”—she just wanted harmony, she wanted her partner to step up.

I could totally empathize. I’ve noticed a trend lately among my friends, in the stories I hear, and even in the mirror of my own life: relationships falling apart. It’s “The Drift.” People say, “We just grew apart,” as if it were some mysterious fog that rolled in overnight.

Let’s be honest: drifting apart isn’t an accident. It’s a series of missed initiatives. It’s what happens when the man who once hunted for your heart decides he’s too tired to even hold it. For me personally, I’m a Queen who needs her King… not a victim. It’s a simple choice, but it’s the breaking point for more marriages than we care to admit.

Even in my own marriage—and my husband is great—we hit these walls. It’ll be over something small, trivial. We’ll be home, wanting to watch a movie, and he falls into that “we should” category: “We should pick something.”

Then comes Purgatory: an hour of watching movie trailers. By the 45-minute mark, I want to stick a fork in my eye. The decision fatigue is real. I’m an Alpha woman; I make a thousand choices a day. In those moments, I don’t want to “collaborate.” I want him to lead—to pick a damn movie, tell me to sit down, and press play.

When he doesn’t? I retreat. I get silent, I get annoyed, and I go to bed. That is my “Drift.”

But here is the unfiltered truth: a Queen has a responsibility, too. If I want a King, I can’t treat him like a subject. And I’ll admit, I’m inclined to do so.

When I retreat into silence, I’m not helping. My husband has the awareness to call me out on it—and thank God he does. He also checks himself, realizing the initiative has stalled. He will then step up and make a plan. But for that to work, I have to be willing to let go of the reins.

If you are a strong, Alpha female, you have to leave room for his masculine energy to breathe. You can’t bark orders and then wonder why he’s stopped taking the initiative. You have to support the King by trusting his lead, even when it’s not exactly how you would have done it.

I recently told a girlfriend whose partner was using his upbringing as an excuse for his lack of effort: the victim card has an expiration date. We’ve all had pasts. But using your history as a shield against your present responsibility to your partner is a choice. You can’t use “how you grew up” to justify why you’re letting your marriage flicker out.

If you find your significant other slipping away, don’t ask “why” with a shrug. Look at your own hands. Gentlemen, are you reaching for her? And ladies, are you keeping your hands off the steering wheel long enough to let him drive?

A King takes up space. He takes initiative. He should make his Queen feel like she is the only woman in the room, even when she’s in her pajamas. The victim makes excuses about why he can’t. So as Queens, we must set a boundary: a man cannot be a victim and a King at the same time. He has to pick one.

But we have to be honest with ourselves—not every man wants to be a King, and not every woman is willing to be a Queen. We all have the capacity to become the best version of ourselves, but capacity doesn’t equal commitment.

We stay on the emotional seesaw because we crave that partnership—that feeling of being part of a team. We don’t want to be alone, so we wait. We hold the space, we keep our hands off the wheel, and we offer him the crown. But if he refuses to reach for it? If he chooses the safety of his excuses over the responsibility of his throne? Then you have to realize that you are enough on your own.

You can provide the peace, you can stop the criticism, and you can leave the room for him to lead—but you cannot make him walk through the door. At some point, the “Drift” becomes a destination. And a Queen shouldn’t have to wait in Purgatory forever for a man who has decided he’d rather stay a victim than become her King.

Let’s be real in the comments: Is it harder for you to let go of the ‘steering wheel’ or to accept that your partner might not want to drive? Alpha women: Are you actually leaving space for him to lead, or are you just waiting for him to fail so you can take over again?