#Unsettled

I was out with a group of girlfriends recently, and as it often does when the wine starts flowing and the guards come down, the conversation shifted from general relationship gripes to the bedroom.

If you know me, you know I’m an open book. I’ve never been afraid to broach the subject; I’m comfortable discussing the details—the highs, the lows, and everything in between. But as we kept talking, I realized I was in the minority.

I was actually shocked by how many women—women who have been married for years, who have children, who have clearly “participated in the activity”—were still deeply embarrassed by the subject. Even more surprising? Some of them flat-out admitted they hate it.

One of my friends said something that really stuck with me: “It’s just a chore. It’s one more thing I have to do before I can finally sleep.”

That statement got my gears grinding. How does an act of intimacy, an expression of love, become the equivalent of folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher?

I get it. As moms, we carry a massive mental workload. We are professional multitaskers, managing schedules, meals, and emotions 24/7. By 10:00 PM, we aren’t looking for a “performance”—we’re looking for a pillow.

There’s also a major disconnect in how we approach the day. For many women (myself included), intimacy is a slow burn that requires connection. But for a lot of men, it’s one-task-at-a-time. They go to work, come home, wait for dinner, and then expect “dessert.”

In the early days, when they were “courting” us, they took on some of that mental load. They planned the date, made the reservation, and built the anticipation. But as relationships settle into monotony, the planning often falls on the woman. We plan the day, we plan the date, and then we’re expected to “perform” at the end of it?

It’s no wonder it feels like work.

In my house, we have an “open mouth” policy; nothing is off the table. My kids know they can ask me anything, and that includes sex. I always warn them, “Don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to,” but they ask anyway, and we’re honest.

I believe that’s where the shift starts. If we grow up in conservative households where sex is avoided or spoken of in whispers, we carry that shyness into our adult relationships. We stop flirting. We stop communicating our needs. We fall into “Roommate Syndrome,” where we’re just two people managing a household together instead of two people in love.

So, how do we stop the checklist? How do we keep the spark from being extinguished by the “chore” mentality? For me, it starts with communication, even when it’s uncomfortable.

This is the core of being UnSettled. Growth happens when we step out of our comfort zone. If you aren’t happy, or if you’re feeling like a vending machine, you have to say it. Intimacy shouldn’t be an obligation; it should be an expression. But that expression is a lot easier to find when the mental workload is shared.

Another biggie for me? Flirting. I love flirting; it sets the tone and lightens the mood. Why did we stop? We flirted when we were twenty; we should be flirting now. It’s the small connections throughout the day that make the “deed” feel less like a task and more like a release.

Lastly—and this is the big one—sex releases endorphins. It reduces stress. It’s a human need. When you look inward, ask yourself: Are you truly happy if you can’t express joy with the person you love most in the most intimate way?

We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve joy. If things have become monotonous, light the candle anyway. Get a little uncomfortable. Talk about the things you’ve been shy about for a decade.

The goal is for the “uncomfortable” to eventually become “comfortable.” Don’t make it a mental checklist. Don’t make it a chore. Look at it as something you are doing for yourself.

You aren’t just a mom, a chef, or a calendar manager. You’re a woman. And you deserve to enjoy every part of that.

Is your sex life just another item on your To-Do list? Let’s talk about it.