#Unsettled

Why the Rarest Friendships Require the Most Work

I was in Houston recently and found myself sitting in a hotel lobby, waiting for a woman I have known since I was three years old.

We were neighbors in the kind of neighborhood where kids lived outdoors. We played dress-up, we experimented with questionable makeup, and we confided every childhood secret to one another. Then, in the middle of elementary school, I moved across the country.

In today’s world, a move like that is buffered by FaceTime, Instagram, and Snapchat. But this was before email. This was when long-distance phone calls were a luxury saved for holidays.

How did we stay “us”? We wrote letters. Real, ink-on-paper, old-fashioned pen-pal letters.

Throughout our adolescence, we made the effort. We traded summers—one year in Houston, the next year with me. By high school, we both had our own circles. By college we had our paths paved and our own separate lives, but the thread between us never snapped.

We always kept in touch… even if we didn’t talk for months. Because here is the magic of a soulmate friendship: as soon as we are together, zero time has passed.

We were two souls meant to be intertwined, regardless of the zip code. We eventually served as each other’s Maids of Honor. We became mothers. We became “older and wiser” (at least on paper). We have been through so much together—the highest peaks and the lowest valleys—and strangely, the more life throws at us, the stronger our bond becomes. We have learned to rely on each other in a way that only decades of shared history allows.

When she walked into that hotel lobby that week, forty-five years of history vanished in a second. We laughed just like those two little girls in Houston. We are total opposites in many ways—the ultimate yin and yang—but the connection is effortless.

But here is the truth: The connection is effortless, but the relationship is not.

I tell my children all the time how rare this is. I hope they find a “first soulmate” like I did, but I also try to teach them the cost of admission for a friendship like this.

You have to put in the work.

As we get older, the “busy-ness” of life becomes the ultimate filter. We find out who our real people are by seeing who actually puts in the energy to maintain the bridge. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever; some people are just there for a season, a lesson, or a laugh. But the ones who are meant to stay will always find a way to bridge the gap.

Because I moved several times during my youth, I’ve always felt a bit of a disconnect regarding where I’m “truly” from. I’ve lived in Florida the longest, but a massive part of my heart is permanently tucked away in Texas.

What I’ve realized is that I’m not from a place—I’m from these people.

I’ve met other incredible women along the way who have become my “tribe,” my soulmates, and my sisters. But you always remember your first. You always cherish the one who knew you before you knew yourself.

Who do you have in your life who has been there through every version of you? Who is the person who will pick up the phone regardless of the time or the distance?

Those relationships are the gold standard. They are the anchors that keep us from drifting when the world gets loud. But anchors need to be maintained.

If there is a name popping into your head right now—someone you haven’t spoken to in too long, or someone you’ve been “meaning” to call—consider this your sign.

Pick up the phone. Send the text. Write the letter.

Stay rooted. Stay connected. Stay unsettled.