#Unsettled

I was sitting with a girlfriend recently, doing that soul-deep catching up that only happens when you finally carve out an afternoon for uninterrupted self-care. As we talked, she began opening up about a relationship that had recently ended—one that had forced her into a profound period of reflection.

She had been married twice before. With each chapter, she learned, she grew, and she took notes on what she truly wanted. But like so many of us, she had eventually fallen into that familiar, comfortable trap: the shiny, new excitement of a relationship wears off, the light begins to dull, and you stop putting in the effort.

When that happens, you have two choices. You can let the light continue to dim, or you can grab a cloth and buff that shine back in. You have to be proactive.

My friend truly thought this last relationship was going to be the “third time’s the charm.” Instead, it became a complete disaster. But once the dust settled, rather than crashing, she did something incredibly brave. She looked long and hard in the mirror and decided to reinvest entirely in herself. She literally put her life into God’s hands.

Though she has been spiritual and in touch with nature most of her life, watching her develop a deep, unshakeable relationship with God over the last few years has been a beautiful journey to witness. She found a church she loves, found her peace, and anchored into what she truly deserves in a life partner. She refused to settle.

Now, she is open to meeting people again. But this time, it’s different. She is being proactive—first in her relationship with God, then with herself. She is putting herself out there, even volunteering as a greeter at her church.

As I listened to her, I felt a wave of inspiration, quickly followed by a sharp reality check.

We talk about being proactive in every other aspect of life. We preach it to our kids—I constantly harp on mine to anticipate what’s coming, stay ahead of the game, and take ownership of their schedules. I pride myself on doing the same. But as I reflected on the conversation with my friend, a question started to nag at me:

How many of us actually offer that same courtesy to ourselves?

I’ll be the first to admit: I don’t know if I always do. Sure, I take time for myself. I meditate, I exercise, I swim. In full transparency, I actually schedule it into my calendar like an appointment.  Sometimes, it feels like the latter. It’s easy for “self-care” to become just another set of boxes to check on the daily to-do list while we stay firmly on the hamster wheel.

And if I’m being completely honest? That lack of true proactivity doesn’t just show up in my solo routines. It bleeds into the most important corners of my life.

Take my marriage. My husband and I have a beautiful life, and we are profoundly fortunate to have each other. But we are also incredibly, relentlessly busy. Somewhere in the rush of schedules, businesses, and daily logistics, we stopped taking the time to truly invest in one another. Neither of us is being proactive about us.

To be transparent, it’s a problem that completely agitates me. There are days when I simply don’t feel like a priority to him. But the hard truth I have to face in the mirror is that I often mirror that exact same emotional distance right back to him. We get stuck in a standoff of mutual busyness.

On the rare occasions we actually manage to carve out a quiet moment together, we look at each other and ask the same bittersweet question every single time: Why don’t we do this more often?

We don’t do it because we aren’t chasing it. We are waiting for the time to magically appear, instead of actively claiming it.

My friend decided to step off her wheel entirely, take a step back, and reevaluate. Perhaps this is the perspective we only achieve as we age. There comes a point where we all reflect, but taking the action—the actual leap to become proactive in building the exact type of life, and the exact type of partnership, you want—is both terrifying and admirable.

For my friend, who is still looking for that perfect match, I know God will connect them. Sure, He’s thrown a few tests her way along the way, but her person is out there. I am a firm believer in timing, and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we are given tests, trials, and tribulations not to break us, but as prerequisites we must pass in order to step into the next phase of our lives. And that next phase? It’s going to be beautiful.

That internal proactivity—that is the key.

It forces us to ask the hard questions: What are you actually doing to better yourself? What intentional steps are you taking today to create the life you want tomorrow?

Don’t just go through the motions. Step off the wheel, look in the mirror, and start buffing the shine back into your own life.